Life
by alyssaaaam
Summary: This is just my version of ranting but using glee charecters and plot lines to express my sad depressed self. Probably won't follow all major plot lines made by Ryan Murphy. I'm saying this now, I do not own Glee or any of the characters. Might be some Puckleberry, don't know if I want it to be a relationship or just friends but its there
1. chapter one but fixed

Hey so I said I would start this new story and I am but I'm gonna write it out first or as much ad I can and just start updating every couple weeks since there's gonna be times where I won't wanna do anything for months at a time and this is a good way to stay productive through those times. So this was written December 17 2018 12.40am

Rachel POV

I don't know what to do anymore. It's thanksgiving break and I found out my Uncle Jack just died. He always stuck up for me when my dads went out of town for 'work'. I remember being so upset when my daddy was out of town and so my dad went to meet him out there after a dance recital I had. When they were gone I stayed at Uncle Jack's house and he overheard me talking to my cousins about how I was mad since they always went out.

I guess Uncle Jack had yelled at them because I didn't feel loved and that's the reason they adopted me in the first place, to give me love and everything else a little girl could ever want.

Then I remember how shy I was of him as I got older because guys honestly freaked me out a little. And then when he got sick, I always hung out with him but I still feel bad for neglecting him. Aunt Jenna is staying in town to help with the funeral next week. I think we're making poster boards with a bunch of pictures from his life for the non-jewish part of the family. Since "that's what they would like to do for us." Daddy had explained.

Papa said they couldn't find a picture of me and him together so there's no proof that we used to be close. I feel kind of guilty about that. One of my cousins don't have a picture either so we're in this together. The funeral was heartbreaking, for me atleast. They played that one old rock song that I absolutely hate so I laughed at that. It was the only time I did that entire week.

I have to go back to school on Monday and I'm really not looking forward to dealing with The Unholy Trinity and explaining to the Glee Club why I wasn't at school for a week and tarnished my perfect attendance. I'm guessing that they're all going to be complaining that I'm back and when I was gone how the spotlight was nice with it not being hogged by me.

I spent most of the weekend after the funeral on Thursday crying. So that was fun. It's now Monday morning and I just arrived at school and am now walking to my locker. After I dropped my rolly backpack off there, I went to check in with my teachers. They were all worried but I just dismissed them with a 'family emergency' excuse, not wanting to get into it.

After the warning bell rang, I walked to class with my books in my hand and was met with a cherry slushie. Great. And it wasn't even my favorite flavor, grape. It just had to be cherry. Dark, super staining cherry slushie. Of course in my post-mourning state, I forgot a change of clothes for this particular instance. So, I showed up to class with a red-stained white sweater and black skirt with drops of slushie on my penny loafers.

Other students laughed and a few neanderthal football players bumped fists. I forgot I had some of them in 1st period.

When I got to glee, I seen I was the first one there so I sat at the piano and put my head on the keys, making a loud, nasty sound. I winced at the noise as it only worsened my growing headache. The glee clubbers started to trickle in so I picked up my head and walked to the back row.

"Wow, Man hands didn't think you would come back. The spotlight was finally split between the people who really deserve it.", snarled Santana.

I just sat there and took it, I'm honestly so not okay that I just can't do it anymore. Noah, who walked in a little before she said that, told her to "Shut the fuck up and leave the girl alone, bitch." I appreciated it.

He nodded at me and sat a few seats away, knowing I wanted space. Lima had a very small Jewish Community so Noah knew about Uncle Jack from his mother, who was very close to my Dad, and so he came to the funeral. I guess he told Mr. Schue what was going on because the theme of the week was feelings. He wanted us to sing how we were feeling at that moment and hopefully someone started to feel better if they weren't okay (me).

Then he dismissed us and told me to stay back so we could talk. Noah looked at me and I just nodded my head and mouthed 'thank you' to him and he walked out. After everyone left I shuffled to Mr. Schue's office.

"How are you, Rachel?" he asked her.

I just shrugged because truthfully I didn't know how I felt. "Sad. Disappointed. Mad. I don't know."

"I think you should talk to someone. Maybe Miss Pillsbury?", he suggested. I didn't want to talk about it. I just wanted it to stop.

"I should be fine. I'm sure I'll be fine by the end of the week." I lied. I'm not sure if he believed it since he looked skeptical but he let it go.

"Okay, but I want you to really think about the assignment this week."

"Okay, Mr. Schuester."

When I got home I seen I had a couple messages from Noah, and I didn't see them earlier because I had left my phone at home today.

Noah- hey how ru

N- rachel im sorry if u didnt want me telling schue

Rae- It's alright Noah. Go work on your project for Glee and all your other homework.

N- okk

It felt nice to know that Noah was concerned about me, not many people were. I just felt like a burden though. I didn't want to get in anybody's way or have them change their plans just for me, but Noah didn't seem to mind.

The next day in glee, Mr. Schue asked for volunteers and I seen him look pointedly at me, waiting for my hand. I rolled my eyes and raised my hand to go first. He smiled and clapped his handsas I stood up. I walked over to the band and whispered the song to them. As I told Brad, he looked a little troubled by the song choice. I grabbed a stool and sat while I started to sing

 **I can't handle these pressures; all I can say is this stress hurts**

 **Things are supposed to get better**

 **I just need to put myself first**

 **I'm always trying my hardest not to pick myself apart**

 **This energy's killin' my vibes now**

 **Sometimes I just wanna to drown out**

 **All of the thoughts in my mind**

 **Too much going on at the same time**

 **I wish it would stop and I've tried but**

 **Life just sucks then we all die**

The club looked shocked as I continued to sing.

 **That's just reality, yeah, don't lie to me**

 **Yeah I'm fucked up but I don't wanna be**

 **I wonder if I'm good enough**

 **But maybe I've had just too much**

 **To drink, to smoke, to swallow**

 **I'm drowning up my sorrows**

 **There's rules I'll never follow**

 **Pretend there's no tomorrow**

 **I wish there was no tomorrow**

Some widened their eyes when they heard me cuss and some just barely started to pay attention.

 **But I'm empty inside, yeah I'm empty inside**

 **And I don't wanna live, but I'm too scared to die**

 **Yeah I'm empty inside, I just don't feel alive**

 **And I don't wanna live, but I'm too scared to die**

 **Wish I could erase my memories, so I could stop feeling so empty**

 **I wish that shit wasn't so tempting**

 **But it's hard to resist when there's plenty of things I could do to fuck me up**

 **I want to let go, but I'm feeling so stuck**

 **So all I can do is fill up my cup**

 **That's just reality, yeah, don't lie to me**

 **Yeah I'm fucked up but I don't wanna be**

 **I wonder if I'm good enough**

 **But maybe I've had just too much**

 **To drink, to smoke, to swallow**

 **I'm drowning up my sorrows**

 **There's rules I'll never follow**

 **Pretend there's no tomorrow**

 **I wish there was no tomorrow**

 **But I'm empty inside, yeah I'm empty inside**

 **And I don't wanna live, but I'm too scared to die**

 **Yeah I'm empty inside, I just don't feel alive**

 **And I don't wanna live, but I'm too scared to die**

 **My body's shaking**

 **My head is aching**

 **It feels like my heart is breaking**

 **My body's shaking**

 **My head is aching**

 **I can't fix this mess I'm making**

 **But I'm empty inside, yeah I'm empty inside**

 **And I don't wanna live, but I'm too scared to die**

 **Yeah I'm empty inside, I just don't feel alive**

 **And I don't wanna live, but I'm too scared to die**

By the end of the song I was sobbing into my sleeve and I just wanted to get the hell out of there. I couldn't believe I had actually admited how I was feeling to the people that hated me and would no doubt use it to hurt me. Noah tried to walk up and help me but I just shook my head and ran out the room. I didn't look at anybody, I just ran as fast as I could. Maybe if I did I would see some of the more feminine clubbers crying.

I can't breathe, or think or even begin to function. For some reason I ran all the way out to the bleachers by the football field and the moment I sat down, I just broke in half.

 **Hi I haven't looked at my story drafts for a while and I just realized that I have all these finished chapters that I haven't posted so I'm going to stop here. January 22, 2019 at 10.34pm**

. **Also I gave up on the whole write a bunch out and just update it every couple weeks, I'm going to take forever to write them and update them after I realize they're done. So like every other story of mine. Alright bye**

 _I fixed this story since I thought it was kind of a mess the last time so yeahh.. hope you liked it though. Okayy bye I guess._


	2. chapter 2

**Sorry about the wait.. I just didn't really want to do anything for a while. And I fixed the last chapter, so thanks for the comment. Anyways, back to the story. February 18, 2019 3:38pm**

Puck left right after Rachel ran out the room, whether she wanted him to or not. He lost her though, so it took a while for him to actually get to her. He seen her on the top of the bleachers, and ran from the gym all the way to where she was sitting.

"Rach?"

"Go away, Noah. I would appreciate it if you left me alone."

She just looked so fucking sad. Even though she had her hair acting as a curtain around her face, he could tell she had red, puffy eyes, and a constant stream of tears working their way down her face. Out of the worried feeling in his stomach, he ignored her request and sat next to her.

Rachel didn't know how long he sat there with her, but it was dark by the time she finally stopped crying. She wiped her face with her sleeve and looked at Puck. He was staring up at the stars, and when he noticed her staring, he looked back.

"You want a ride home?" he said. She nodded at him and gave him the smallest of the smallest smiles. Rachel stood up, tried to unwrinkle her clothes and failed, then started walking down to the field to get to his truck.

Puck followed her and they walked to the parking lot in silence. She finally started speaking when he started the truck.

"Thank you, Noah. I-I just, ugh. I just haven't been having good days since the whole Uncle Jack mishap. I've gone into this funk, and I can't seem to get out of it. And I mean, I've always had this- this feeling inside my chest, and like it just brings this mask over my body, and my head, and my emotions. And I just- I just don't know!"

By the end of her speech Rachel was sobbing again, and Puck had to pull over into an empty parking lot to try and console her.

"Hey, hey Rachel, no please, stop crying, please Rach please. Just stop for a minute, yes that's it take a deep breathe, c'mon Rach, relax, please." he said in a calming but at the same time panicky voice.

The brunette finally calmed down into soft whimpers. He held her tight in his arms until she could manage to control herself. The rest of the ride home was spent listening to music, but other than that it was silent.

Puck pulled into her driveway and noticed that no other cars were parked there. "Hey Rach," he said, "are your dads working late of something? 'Cause they're not here."

She shook her head and gave this small pathetic type laugh. "No, they aren't at work. After the celebration of his life, my dads booked the closest flight they could just to 'have room to breathe', they said. It's bullshit you know," He looked confused at her last statement so she continued. "All those trips they take, it's because they secretly hate me and don't want to deal with me anymore."

"Rachel. Don't ever say that they don't want you. Of course they do, you are the most wonderful person I've ever met, amd they love you." he assured her.

Rachel looked out the window and told him she had to go since it was getting late, and that she'd see him tomorrow. And God, did he hope he saw her tomorrow and every single day after that.

Once the brunette got inside, she went to her room to take a bath and hopefully fall asleep, but she doubted that last part. Ever since the night of Uncle Jack, she hadn't been sleeping throughout the night. She would take forever to fall asleep, and then the nightmares would start and one kept returning and just kept showing her his dead body in the hospital.

Rachel went upstairs, started the bath and grabbed her ipod on the way so she could listen to music.

She started the water and forgot it was on the hottest setting, so when she got in, the water burned her for a few moments, but then it felt kind of, comforting? The scolding water started to turn her medium-toned skin a neutral red shade, and she felt a strange urge of solace from the burn.

While in the tub, Rachel grabbed her razor and started to shave, because, why not? It could be another week or so before she would reme to shave her gross, hairy legs. But as she was shaving behind her knee, she moved her hand the wrong way and accidentally cut herself. The only way she found out she cut herself, was when she thought she was going crazy when the water started to turn pink.

So, in a moment of insanity, she checked all over her body for cuts that could have dyed the water like it did. The petite girl ran her hands over her legs and found blood on her fingers. The blood seemed to run down the palm of her hand to her arm and down the perfect, smooth skin that lay there. As much as Rachel tried to not be a fuck up, she hated perfection. She thought it was unrealistic and she hated every ounce of her being that seem the least bit perfect. The smooth, tan skin was part of that perfection and if someone were to actually pay attention to her well being, they would notice her running her nails over her arm, imagining how to make it a little less, something.

Rchel didn't know how to describe how she wanted to change herself. I mean, she does hate herself, her personality wasn't the best, her body and cleavage weren't that great either. Either something was not enough, or it was just too much or too loud and abrasive.

Her phone then rang, bringing her out of her daze. She rinsed off her arm, and leaned over the sink to grab it. "Hello, this is Rachel Berry", she answered.

"Hey Rae, it's Josh. You know, Joshua, from dance. And, by the way, 'hello this is Rachel Berry'? Total nerd."

"I. Hate you" she laughed. "You know I have that personality switch when I go to school."

"Why though? Like why do you change into someone completely different from who you are. 'Cause I mean, I like who you really are. I like who you really are a lot actually." he said.

"As sweet as that is, and it really is sweet, I have a bad reputation there and if I changed it now, who knows what would happen. But anyways, why'd you call?" she asked.

"Oh, uhm I just wanted to see how you were because you didn't exactly hang out at the house like you usually do. So I was just checking in."

"I'm here and there, like it feels like everythings changed, and it's different so. But I'll be okay. I always am."

"Alright then. See you.. uhm sometime?"

"Yeah, see you sometime."

Rachel hung up the phone and decided to get out the tub since it was started to get cold. When the brunette dried herself off, she noticed the back of her knee was where the blood was coming from, and bandaged that up.

As she was getting ready for bed, her phone, again, buzzed. This time though, it was a text from Puck. It read,

 _hey rach. u feelin btr?_ _Hello Noah, yes I'm feeling quite alright now. Thank you for checking up on me and driving me home today. I greatly appreciate it._ _good. alr gn my sweet jewish american princess_ _Goodnight Noah._

The next morning, Rachel woke up with dark circles under her eyes, from lack of sleeping. She managed to get a full two hours of sleep last night, and she felt like shit. Noah came to pick her up, because he said he didn't want her to take the bus anymore, so he would get up everyday and pick up Rachel with his sister, them drive his sister to school, then they would head to McKinley High school together.

School that Tuesday wasn't great, but she also wasn't sobbing her eyes out when she walked down the hallway. So, she took it as a win. Rachel had English first period with Kurt, history with Mercedes and Artie, Spanish with Brittany and Finn, then Math with Artie and Noah, science with Mike, Brittany and Noah, then Physical Education with the Unholy Trinity themselves. Brittany alone was fine, but mix her with Quinn and Santana and then have them be in the same class with Rachel, WW3 was bound to happen.

Most of the Cheerios were also in this class, so Rachel literally had no one on her side that she could be somewhat friendly with. But then Tina got transfered into the class because she was trying to get into the English class that Mike had. She walked through the gym doors with the secretary to talk to Coach Sylvester about the switch. While the adults were talking, Tina walked to the small corner where Rachel was sitting and sat next to her.

"Hey Rachel." she said.

"Hi Tina. Pardon me for asking, but why are you in this class?" Rachel asked the streak haired girl.

"I'm trying to get into another English class, and my piano lesson class doesn't fit in my schedule, so I got put in PE." She replied. Rachel simply said oh, and they stuck together because they both had no one and decided to have no one together.

In glee that day, Tina and Rachel walked in together, but both went their separate ways. Tina sat with Mike next to Mercedes and Kurt, and Rachel sat in the back corner of the choir room. When Puck walked in, he went to go sit next to Rachel, since in all honesty, he more than kinda liked her. She smiled at him and he put his arm around the back of her chair.

As the Unholy Trinity trailed in, Santana looked Rachel right in the eye and made a face of disgust. "Ew Puck why are you sitting next ro Treasure Trail. Come sit next to me and Britt, we have your seat nice and warm." She ran her hands all over the chair next to her and give him a flirty smile and winked.

"Like I want your nasty shit on me. Keep your hands to yourself Satan." He said as he declined her offer. Rachel looked over at him, and told him he didn't have to stay with her if he didn't want to and to not pity her. He said, "Rachel, I want to sit with you. And I want to drive you to school and I'm not fucking pitying you so deal with me being here 'cause im not going away. Now pay attention, Mr. Schue just walked in and I think he's talking about sectionals regionals now.

 **Hi. I'm sorry about the wait. I know its been a few months but either I'm not okay or I just forget that I'm writing stories so I'm spray. I wanted to add more to this story but I can't think about any ideas. In a month or so I should be updating a lot more because I'm getting my actual computer and not using my phone so it will be easier to write. Please review and read my other stories and give me feedback because I want to know if you think my writings good or not because I don't know. Alright bye _alyssa**

 **April 7, 2019 1:28pm**


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